i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
