I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
