Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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