It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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