So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
