I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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