I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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