someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
