If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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