Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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