all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
