Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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