so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
it glows. i had to have it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
