omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
