If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
