The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
