your parents love me but you hate me
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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