I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
