so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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