Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
