I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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