I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
