the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
look no pants
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
