I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
