I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
