Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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