If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
