I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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