I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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