when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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