I think im going to throw up on grandma
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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