U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
