i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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