So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
