call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Who died my cat blue again?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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