the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
did i walk over a car last night?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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