I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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