You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
