just come out here and I will go home with you...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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