so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
