this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
