Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
