There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
