Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
