im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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