Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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