she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
