You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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