the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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