apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you had me at cake vodka
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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