After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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