My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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