You're my little dorito
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You smell like stripper and shame
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I die, sorry about rent.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
